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October 2009 
When Your Mother's Mother Dies
Posted on Oct 22nd, 2009
by 
Flowerchild
Flowerchild
It's hard every time you know your mother looks at you, she's thinking of some judgement.
Gram's did the same things.
I was too skinny, then I was too fat. Then my hair was too long, or my hair was too short.
When Gram's transititoned the other night, I watched my Mother's reaction. We were all there. Me, Mom, 2 sisters, 2 Aunts a cousin and a few more. As Grams was moving on to the next phase of her life, I could feel mom's anger toward her. I can feel that she felt the minister was saying the wrong prayer and reading the wrong scriptures. I can feel her anger toward her Mother who is taking her last breath.
They set the date for the Memorial Service. Tuesday at 11am. What? I asked Mom, why on a Tuesday? Jimmy, my son wont be able to make it. She said because her sister was going to Ohio. I'm like WTF! Base the date around the sister's visit to Ohio? So I call Mom later to tell her that I'm upset. Why is your sister going to Ohio? Why can't we all get together on Sunday? My Mom lives in California, I live in Chicago, and I have no idea when I'll be able to see her again. My son hasn't seen her in like 3 years.
She said I misunderstood. Okay, so I misunderstood. Easy to see why I took that the wrong way. So I tried to suggest another day for at least Jimmy to see her. She kept inturrupting me. Several times she inturrupted me. I asked, can I finish what I wanted to say? She hangs up on me.
This action of haninging up on me brings back a boat load of memories. Triggered deep rooted emotions. When I was 15 years old. Yes that's right 15. My mother kicked me out of the house. I had no where to go. It was 2 in the morning and this guy was trying to pick me up. I called home and asked if I could come home, and my Mother hung up on me. This guy talked me into going with him, remember I'm 15 years old, so I did. Where else was I going to go? We got high on something and next thing I know I'm in a different state! It's a miricle that I made it home alive. My Mother hung up on me.
That action of hanging up on me brought back some very deep seated memories. I'm 43 and those memories were all but forgotten. Until tonight.
This is what greif does to you. There are some deep rooted cords of attachment. Her Mother dies and she greives with anger. I'm an Impath that picks up on all this emotional energy. Then this gets triggered. All because I wanted to see about getting together at a time when Jimmy, my son, her first grandchild, can see her.
I think it is best not to see her during this trip.
Bye Grams.
Gram's did the same things.
I was too skinny, then I was too fat. Then my hair was too long, or my hair was too short.
When Gram's transititoned the other night, I watched my Mother's reaction. We were all there. Me, Mom, 2 sisters, 2 Aunts a cousin and a few more. As Grams was moving on to the next phase of her life, I could feel mom's anger toward her. I can feel that she felt the minister was saying the wrong prayer and reading the wrong scriptures. I can feel her anger toward her Mother who is taking her last breath.
They set the date for the Memorial Service. Tuesday at 11am. What? I asked Mom, why on a Tuesday? Jimmy, my son wont be able to make it. She said because her sister was going to Ohio. I'm like WTF! Base the date around the sister's visit to Ohio? So I call Mom later to tell her that I'm upset. Why is your sister going to Ohio? Why can't we all get together on Sunday? My Mom lives in California, I live in Chicago, and I have no idea when I'll be able to see her again. My son hasn't seen her in like 3 years.
She said I misunderstood. Okay, so I misunderstood. Easy to see why I took that the wrong way. So I tried to suggest another day for at least Jimmy to see her. She kept inturrupting me. Several times she inturrupted me. I asked, can I finish what I wanted to say? She hangs up on me.
This action of haninging up on me brings back a boat load of memories. Triggered deep rooted emotions. When I was 15 years old. Yes that's right 15. My mother kicked me out of the house. I had no where to go. It was 2 in the morning and this guy was trying to pick me up. I called home and asked if I could come home, and my Mother hung up on me. This guy talked me into going with him, remember I'm 15 years old, so I did. Where else was I going to go? We got high on something and next thing I know I'm in a different state! It's a miricle that I made it home alive. My Mother hung up on me.
That action of hanging up on me brought back some very deep seated memories. I'm 43 and those memories were all but forgotten. Until tonight.
This is what greif does to you. There are some deep rooted cords of attachment. Her Mother dies and she greives with anger. I'm an Impath that picks up on all this emotional energy. Then this gets triggered. All because I wanted to see about getting together at a time when Jimmy, my son, her first grandchild, can see her.
I think it is best not to see her during this trip.
Bye Grams.
Access: Public
wow, wonder if anyone bothered to focus on gramma?
How did you/do you feel about gramma anyway? If you do…if you want to share?
Thanks for your question Elisa. This all happened after Grams passed. The point of my message was the deep rooted memories triggered by the death of my grandmother.
I really resonate with your post Niecy….yes, the deep rooted cords of attachment come with incredible pain. Even when you can see that your mom's coping mechanism is anger…it didn't protect you from the rejection and pain (and danger) she's subjected you to. She's still subjecting you to it…but this time you're stronger and you can take care of yourself.
You can comfort the 15 year old girl that's still part of you. You can cut the cords with the mother…not from fear or anger, but because you can take care of yourself and no longer need to allow yourself to be exposed to it.
You don't need it now…you've already learned all about pain and compassion. Your mom actually taught you all about compassion by being critical and rejecting and she has helped to make you the amazing woman you are now… But I'd still be pissed if I was you.
Big hugs to you…and much love.
Thank you as always Helen for your insightful words. I just recently formally cut the cords to my mother and my grand mother. Then just yesterday experienced the Inipi Ceremony. How cleansing!